|traycer (traycer) wrote,|
@ 2011-09-20 22:46:00
|Entry tags:||friendlyfire index|
NEW FIC: Under Friendly Fire - Chapter 6
Daniel Jackson was indeed wallowing in his shame and the guilt he was experiencing as he remembered in great detail what he did to Sam Carter. He seemed to take great interest in reliving the worst of his memories over and over again, trying to make sense of why he let himself enjoy the pain he had inflicted on one of his best friends.
He sat on the bed in the infirmary refusing to answer any questions he was asked, too lost in his own pain to realize the importance of his answers. God, he had raped his best friend and they wanted him to talk about trivial things?
Daniel turned to look at Jack, who was grouching about the fact that he was being stuck with another needle. Jack was taking this whole thing in stride. Daniel could see the anger his friend was hanging on to, but other than that it was just another mission gone wrong. There were times when Daniel wanted to smash his friend’s face in, and this was one of those times.
Daniel glared at Jack before turning to stare at Teal’c, who had apparently decided that he was going to take whatever fate dished out to him. He had put his fate into General Hammond’s hands when he’d announced that he had raped Samantha Carter and Daniel hoped that Hammond would include him in his decision. In any other circumstances, he would be facing severe jail time.
Teal’c nodded at Daniel when he noticed his stare. Daniel didn’t bother responding, he just grimaced and turned to find something else to stare at. Teal’c was right in believing that they should be punished. Rape was a serious crime, no matter that they had been under an alien influence. Daniel couldn’t help but remember the thoughts that ran through his head as he fought off the drug’s influence. He had wanted Sam more than anything at the time. He had consciously stepped back to let his passions take over completely, while a small part of the real Daniel Jackson tried to stop the horrors, and failed miserably at it.
“Daniel?” Janet Fraiser asked as she came up to stand next to him. “Are you going to make it?” The concern in her features had Daniel’s blood boiling. She had no right to worry about him, because in all honesty, he wasn’t worth the effort. He had committed a horror that was totally incomprehensible to his morals and values and he wasn’t sure he would ever ‘make it’.
“Just fine and dandy Doc. Couldn’t be better,” he snarled at her. He had every intention of taking all of his anger out on her, but he stopped instead, realizing that this whole thing really wasn’t her fault. He stared at her, taking in the hurt look and realized that he was destined to hurt others, he might as well get used to being a jerk. “Sorry,” he mumbled, now looking at the wall past her shoulder. “I’m just a little tired.”
“That’s okay,” she said with a small smile. “You’ve all been through a lot. I have what I need for now. Why don’t you all go and get some much needed rest?”
“I’m up for that,” Jack said, as he jumped off of the bed he had been sitting on. “I’m thinking of sleeping for a week.”
Daniel just stared at the man he had thought he knew. “What about Sam?” he asked.
“What about her?” Jack asked, the nonchalant look changing to something darker. Jack O’Neill knew how to hide his feelings from the world and Daniel could see the man working on doing that very thing.
“Shouldn’t we go make sure she is going to be okay?” Daniel asked, wondering what was going on in Jack’s mind. That guy could be so obscure sometimes.
“You go right on ahead,” Jack said, as he stood there, watching Daniel. “I personally think she may want some time alone, but if it will make you feel any better, have at it.”
Daniel had to admit that he didn’t know what would make him feel better, but he also knew he wasn’t so positive about visiting with Sam. She would start spouting off about how it wasn’t his fault, while he knew better. He could feel his anger rising as he tried to push his guilt away. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness.
He got up and walked out with his teammates, but he couldn’t find anything to say to them. Apparently they were in the same boat, because the three of them walked down the hallway in silence. They stopped when they reached the elevator, but Jack stopped Daniel from swiping his card through the reader.
“Look Daniel,” Jack said hesitantly, “I know you are thinking of going to visit with Carter, but I really think you should hold off on that for awhile.” Daniel just stared at Jack, waiting for him to explain his reasoning. Surely he’s going to explain why he would make such a strong statement. “I just think she may want some time alone to deal with her feelings,” Jack added.
“How can you know that?” Daniel asked, genuinely wanting to know what made Jack think he knew exactly what Sam was thinking.
“I just do,” Jack responded with a shrug. “Just give her some time, Daniel. She’s been through a lot and there will be plenty of time to talk with her and to work on getting through this.”
“What if you’re wrong?” Daniel couldn’t help but ask. He knew that Jack had been through a lot during his career in the Air Force, although Daniel didn’t know all of the horrors Jack had gone through. And because Jack was not one to talk about his past, Daniel knew that he may never know everything that had happened to his friend prior to their meeting for the first time. He still wondered about it occasionally, and hung on to everything Jack let loose in an effort to better understand his friend, but he was well aware that Jack hid the horrors inside his own memories, keeping them hidden for reasons only Jack knew.
“I’m not wrong in this,” Jack replied with confidence. “Just give her some time, maybe go see her in the morning. She’s dealing with a lot of grief and shame…” He stopped at that, then sighed, “I just think it would be better to let her work through some of her anger before you go barging in to try to help her.”
Daniel couldn’t argue with this, especially since he wasn’t so sure that he wanted to visit with the woman that he’d let down in a big way. “All right,” he told Jack. “I think I’ll just go to my office to see if I can get some work done.”
Jack nodded at that. “I think I’m going to take the Doc’s advice and get some sleep. What about you Teal’c?”
“I will attempt Kel’No’Reem so that I may gain some understanding in why I did what I did,” Teal’c responded truthfully.
“According to Carter, it was the drug that caused you to do what you did,” Jack said, in an attempt to ease Teal’c’s shame.
“Yet, I allowed the drug to take over,” Teal’c responded. “According to Major Carter, I tried to fight it, but was unsuccessful. This is not true, as you have come to know with your own experience with the drug. I can not honestly say that I really wanted to fight it.”
“Do you think the drug caused us to think we wanted to do what we did?” Jack asked. Daniel couldn’t help but think that Jack was reaching for straw, but he waited eagerly for Teal’c’s response all the same.
“It is possible,” Teal’c responded after a moment of thinking through the words. “I do remember hating myself for what I was thinking and doing. Perhaps the drug stymied the thought patterns that make up the righteous part of our thinking.”
“Then that’s what I will hang onto,” Jack said. “I can’t even imagine doing what I did to Carter, ever. The very fact that I wanted to hurt her defies everything I truly believe. And Daniel,” he said, enthusiasm making his eyes light up, “We all know that you wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was spitting venom at you. That was not you out there.”
“Did you think that when I accused you of being jealous?” Daniel asked quietly. He truly wanted to believe that Jack had forgiven him as much as he craved Sam’s forgiveness.
“What?” Jack asked, confusion crossing his features before remembrance dawned. “Oh that. I was more pissed than anything,” Jack said with a small grin. “Besides, I thought that was just a bid for freedom.” The grin turned to a full smile as he added, “Carter walloped you a good one, didn’t she?”
Trust Jack to enjoy Daniel’s discomfort. Daniel couldn’t help the small smile that turned up the corners of his mouth as he shook his head at his friend. “I deserved much worse,” he replied.
“We all do, my friend,” Jack said evenly, then grabbed his own card to swipe it through the reader. “Are you going to give Carter some time to work through her feelings?”
“Yeah,” Daniel responded, knowing it was really because he was afraid to confront her just yet.
“Good,” Jack said, as Teal’c nodded his head in agreement. “Let’s meet for breakfast and talk to her then.”
Daniel didn’t respond. He was already trying to come up with a reason to avoid his friends, knowing that he wouldn’t follow through on those reasons. He knew himself too well to think that he would let them suffer through their issues. He was too much of a busybody to not butt in. It seems that this was what he did best.
Daniel found himself standing outside of Sam’s door the next morning, knocking on it to see if she was awake and ready to face the day. He had spent the majority of the evening in his office trying to concentrate on his work, but his anguish was overwhelming. Every time he focused on the transcript he was trying to translate, images of what he had done while under the influence of that drug raced through his mind. He finally left his office to find his bed, only to stay awake half the night, thinking about his inabilities to fight off the lust and passion he felt toward his best friend while they were on that planet. But mostly, he thought about the anger, pain and the shame Sam must have felt as she begged him for all that she was worth for him not to hurt her.
He was fiercely glad when he saw the bruises he had on his legs where she had kicked him during the violence and the ones on his face where she had punched him when her hands were free. He knew that he deserved much more, but he also knew that he was going to have to be the one to inflict the punishment he deserved. He seriously doubted that anything would come out of an inquisition regarding his actions while under the influence of whatever it was he had been injected with.
He knocked again when there was no immediate answer to the first knock. He briefly wondered if maybe Sam had already left, when the door opened and the woman in question stuck her head out the door. “Morning Daniel,” she said, before stifling a yawn. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Daniel responded, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Great, he had wakened her. Not a good way to start a new day. “Look, I didn’t realize it was so early,” he added. “I just thought you might want to join me for breakfast.”
She stared at him in surprise for a moment before nodding her head, “Yes,” she said. “Just give me a minute to get dressed, okay?” She started to close the door, then opened it back up again. “I’ll be right out Daniel, okay?”
Daniel gave her a small smile before nodding his head. “I’ll wait,” he told her, half hoping that this meant she really did want to be with him.
She opened the door again five minutes later, fully dressed and ready to go. “You look great,” he told her, as they turned to walk down the hallway.
“Thanks,” she responded, her smile lightening Daniel’s mood. He hoped it meant that she really had forgiven him.
“Sam, I didn’t get the chance to really apologize for what I did to you,” Daniel said, hoping to clear the air once and for all. “I’m sorry for not being strong enough.”
She nodded at his words, then told him, “You don’t need to apologize, Daniel. I don’t blame you.”
“Well, I do,” Daniel snapped. He could only hope that he would be able to forgive himself one of these days. Sam’s forgiveness did wonders for his morale though, and he hastened to tell her that. “I’m glad you don’t blame me, Sam,” he said, a small smile working its way to his face. “It helps to know that.”
She smiled at that and Daniel knew at that moment, the rift in their friendship would heal. She was at least willing to work with him in wading through the problems of their relationship and this knowledge gave him something to hope for. They got to the elevator and Daniel was surprised when the doors opened to reveal Jack and Teal’c as its occupants.
“Hey,” Jack said, his eyes lighting up as he saw them, “We were just coming to get you guys. Do you want to join us for breakfast?”
“I’d like that,” Sam said, as she got on the elevator.
Daniel joined her and turned to face Jack as the elevator carried them to their destination. “Did you get some sleep?” he asked, noticing that Jack did look a little more rested.
“Yep,” Jack responded, rocking on his heels as he stood there with his hands in his pockets. “I got some well-deserved sleep. Now all I need to do is to get some food in my stomach and I’ll be one happy camper.”
Daniel nodded his head in agreement, suddenly realizing that he was starving. They continued their way to the commissary, while making small talk and Daniel couldn’t help but think that maybe things really could go back to normal. There was no anger or tension, just a friendly camaraderie that they always shared when together.
The friendly camaraderie didn’t last though. They were all sitting around a table eating breakfast when Daniel wondered aloud when they would be cleared to go off world again. Jack just shrugged while Sam said, “I don’t know. Soon, I hope.”
“Not until we are ready to go out as a team,” Jack said. Daniel looked over at his friend in surprise, trying to figure out what he meant by that. They were a team, always had been from almost the start. Well, excluding the very first missions when Daniel felt like a duck out of water. It hadn’t taken him long to fit in though, and Daniel was proud of his accomplishments over the years.
“We may need some time to heal and to forgive,” Teal’c said sagely, giving Daniel some insight into Jack’s words.
“I’m ready,” Sam said, as she looked around at her friends. Daniel wasn’t so sure he was ready, now that he thought about it. Jack and Teal’c were right, being part of a team meant being there for his teammates, and Daniel knew that the doubts brought on by his actions during that last mission could get in the way of being there for his teammates on future missions. He was ruminating on this when Jack suddenly interrupted his thoughts by grabbing Daniel’s arm. Daniel looked up to see what was going on, but he ended up staring at Sam instead. Apparently Jack, who was sitting at the end of the table between Daniel and Sam, had reached out for both of them, but while Daniel had glanced up curiously, Sam had immediately yanked her arm out of Jack’s grasp and sat back in her seat as she laid her hands in her lap.
“We’re not ready to go out as a team,” Jack reiterated, as he stared at Sam, his point clearly made.
“I’m okay,” Sam insisted, as she reached a shaky hand for her fork. She then looked up, smiling at them all, before saying. “Really, I am.”
“I believe you,” Jack said softly. He was still watching Sam, and Daniel had the feeling that there was something more going on than they let on. He shook off this thought. They were just friends who shared similar training and beliefs ingrained into them by the Air Force. Hopefully, their beliefs included forgiving a friend for acts of violence committed against them.
“Sam,” Daniel said, suddenly realizing something. “Have I apologized for what I did yet?”
“Only a thousand times,” Sam responded, with a grin. The smile faded as she continued. “You guys don’t have to apologize. I’m just glad that you got me out of there.”
“Did you see how Danny Boy kicked that guy’s ass?” Jack exclaimed proudly. “There’s hope for him yet!”
“You’re just now finding that out?” Daniel said, with mock indignity. “I’ve been an asset to this team for some time now.” His own smile disappeared as memories of Sam tearfully begging him to stop floated through his mind. “Well, up until that last mission anyway,” he growled, self-hatred causing him to glare at his plate.
“We are all an asset to the team,” Jack insisted. “We just have to get through this. And we will, we’ve all been through this before.”
“The Land of Light,” Sam added. “It’s not the same,” she accused. “You were able to stop me.”
“I wasn’t chained to a wall,” Jack countered.
“I was not affected by the alien disease,” Teal’c spoke up, possibly to stop what looked like a promising argument. “This is not the same for me.”
“It’s close enough,” Jack persisted, determined to help them all get over the guilt.
“Yes sir,” Sam grumbled. Daniel could tell that she really wasn’t convinced, just going through the motion.
“Carter,” Jack growled. He was the optimistic one, always believing that something would come up and save the day. Daniel admired this trait in his friend, even when Daniel had his own doubts about their situation. So far, Jack was batting a thousand in predicting their successes.
“Yes sir,” Sam said again with a nod of her head.
“If I remember correctly, I tried to kill Daniel when I had that disease,” Jack continued, apparently hoping to get his point across. “This is the same thing. Well, except for the fact that this time we were dealing with a drug, while that other instance was brought on by a virus. But other than that, it’s the same.”
Sam just nodded as she gave him a tight smile, knowing when she was facing a deadlock. Jack wasn’t going to back down on this and Sam knew this as well as Daniel did. Sometimes it was just better to let Jack have his way.
“So, what’s on the agenda for today?” Jack asked, having decided that this topic was better off left alone.
“I’m going to work on some translations,” Daniel responded, totally agreeing with Jack’s decision. It was better not to argue over little things.
“I have some calculations that I want to work through,” Sam said. Her expression showed her relief as she realized the conversation was heading back into safer territory.
“Sounds like fun,” Jack said dryly, then turned to Teal’c. “What about you, T?”
“I will be working on my mission report,” Teal’c replied. “I admit that I am unsure of how to word it.”
“You? At a loss for words?” Jack responded with mock surprise. “Who would of thunk it?” He grinned at Teal’c, then added, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Just tell the truth.”
“What about you, Jack?” Daniel asked, curious as to what his friend was planning to do.
“Well, I guess I should be working on my own report,” Jack said, his features clearly showing his displeasure. “But I was hoping that one of you guys would want to do something else. You know, maybe shoot some hoops, play cards, something constructive like that.” This was said with such a hopeful look, that Daniel almost fell for it.
“I really should get those translations done, Jack,” he said, feeling like a heel when Jack’s smile faded. “And I guess I should start my own report, as well.” This thought didn’t go over very well for Daniel. He definitely didn’t want to rehash everything he had done while on that mission, and he already knew that most of his actions were going to be left out of his report. He’ll just skim over the worst parts and hope he survives the guilt.
“What will you guys put in your report?” Sam asked, the worry in her voice had all three of her friends looking at her warily.
“As much of the truth as I deem worthy,” Jack responded, back to staring at her again.
“Me too,” Daniel added. At least that was his intention, anyway. Sam nodded at that, her expression showing her relief, and Daniel found himself wondering what she was thinking.
“I suppose we will be scheduled to meet with Mackenzie sometime today or tomorrow,” she said, trying to convey that all was well with her.
It wasn’t the best thing to say at that moment, as Jack grimaced before saying, “Gee, thanks for the reminder.” The grimace cleared when he saw her smile at his discomfort and Jack grinned back before adding, “Of all the memos that don’t cross my desk, I hope that one gets lost as well.”
The talk turned toward lighter subjects after that and Daniel was encouraged that he and his friends were going to survive this whole mess. It was going to take some time before Sam truly trusted them again, but her light-hearted manner was a soothing balm to Daniel’s shame and guilt, and he knew that with time he would be able to run up to her without her flinching away. Now, if he could just learn to live with his guilt, everything would be great.